Broken Doll, Needs Repair

New Body – New Me?
Welcome To The Real World

Earlier this week, I found out that I have severe arthritis in the lower back.
After a holiday vacation at my Michigan family’s with constant, excruciating pain, being unable to stand upright, let alone walk without being breathless from the pain, I decided to go to the chiropractor’s as soon as I got back to New York.

They x-rayed me and a day later I had the results: osteoarthritis. It isn’t lethal or anything, but it is incurable and will probably only get worse. I cried as I laid on the treatment table having electric currents relax my muscles. My body was giving up on me; my body is failing me. I do a cleanse twice a year, don’t eat fast food, make sure I have a bowel movement every day before I go to work, drink water constantly, no sweets, work out regularly, the occasional cigarette and minimal alcohol. And here I am with vertebrae that would shame a septuagenarian.

Until that day, I thought I had at least till my late 30s to start looking for my mate, settling donw and eventually having kids. As long as I stay healthy, pliable, look and feel younger, I am fine, or so I thought. I’m not fine. I went from young woman to ailing lady in 2 weeks.

Thank the heavens for the hood on my coat so I could hide the tears. Thank the heavens for Great Lake Swimmers and Stealing Tomorrow. I had just been scammed of my future; the future I had envisioned no longer existed. I won’t be able to carry my children in a Baby Bjorn, won’t be able to dance the night away. Not even sitting is the same anymore. Standing in line for hours trying to get a Guns ‘n’ Roses reunion concert ticket is out of the question. I’m sorry, Axl. What kind of a groupie will I be if I can’t even get down on my knees. My body is not capable of doing what I want anymore.

If my body is giving out on me, what do I have left?! The college education that I can’t remember? My non-existent social skills? My lacking ability to carry on an adult conversation? Yeah, I’m sure an immature social freak in a crumbling body will get lots of dick.

That’s the state of mind I was in for 3 days. The pain had been stealing my thoughts, but the chiropractor had been working on my spine, so the hurt was bearable again, unfortunately, now I was able to think again. I decided to get over myself. 60% of the time I’ll be semi-pain free, my life is not over! I might not have as much time as I thought, but being depressed will not heal my spine or get me laid …unless I fuck my shrink. This is how my new life resolutions came about.

Over the next few months I will work on finding the man of my dreams and being in a committed, monogamous relationship. No more one-night stands, booty calls or polyamory. I will dump all my toy boys and go-to guys to find that one man who incorporates values of my current men: educated, street smart, good style, nerdy, driven, creative, supporting, willing to experiment, adventurous, able to teach and learn, multilingual, well-traveled, and a little crazy. And of course, he’d have to deal with me: moody, multicultural, know-it-all, sarcastic, frivolous, high sex drive and a little cooky (…maybe lots of cooky), manic-depressive and spiritually fucked.

My new decade resolutions don’t just involve men. I want all my friends to hold me accountable and help me create an unconditional life: I will love without conditions, not thinking how much I give and get in return, I will give freely to everyone. I will be patient with myself and others. Join me in living my unconditional life on this blog. I’ll keep you updated three times a week: Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

Don’t worry, I’ll still be me, just without reservations and restrictions – absolutely naked – no fear, only love and pain – lovely pain.